This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize