you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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