U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I am one with the molecules
Randomize
