Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
