had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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