Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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