when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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