So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
When are your genitals available?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
