the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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