I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
