How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
COCAINE IS GR8
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
