We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
