It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
