i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
This baby is an asshole
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
