You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
