shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
