12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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