If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
