seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
