Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
