I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
