I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
