Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
