She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
