This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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