So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
