Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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