Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
