My liver just broke up with me...
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize