I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize