i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
