I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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