i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
