the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
