drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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