You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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