I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize