its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
