if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
