She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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