I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
