Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
