Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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