I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize