we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
