God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize