i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
