hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You know, be my cock's hype man.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
