I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize