shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
