I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i came on her dog
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
