Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
