There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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