Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
