I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Please, let me fuck your mom
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
this is an emotional support booty call
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
