The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
whose ass print is on the piano?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
