I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
