after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
50% drunk capacity currently
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
