So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
