i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Never joke about your clitoris.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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