I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
